LISTEN HONEY

For nearly nine years I had severe hot flashes, pretty much every 15 minutes that lasted for 20! It was like someone poured lighter fluid on my head and lit it with a match. Menopause was the catalyst of my, "hermit years". Just the mere thought of sweating profusely at the most inappropriate times murdered the social butterfly in me. At first, I didn't know what was wrong with me, since it began early at the age of 40, menopause never entered my mind. I thought that was for "old broads"! Even though it officially began at age 40, the severe hot flashes didn't begin until four years later. Every time I got ready to go out, sweat would begin dripping down my face as if I was taking a shower, washing away and leaving white streaks on my newly applied makeup face. My newly styled hair would be soaked as if I just came out of the pool, making the curling iron job and the hair spray a futile effort. My face and chest would be flushed deep red as if I'd just finished running a 20 mile marathon. I literally felt I was melting away. I was a human candle!

When I finally realized what was happening to me, I went straight to the health food store and looked for something "natural" to ease the hot flashes. I tried Black Cohosh, milk thistle and even switched to soy milk. None of these remedies worked so I finally went to my doctor searching for relief. Well, first thing they give me is a mammogram which showed breast calcifications and my doctor would not prescribe hormones for me saying, "findings show hormones cause cancer." She said I would just have to get through it on my own and would not even allow me to use anything herbal. Even herbal medications still contained minute amounts of the cancer causing agents. My fear of breast cancer kept me off any medications, herbal or synthetic. I just had to tough it out. My doctor said that every woman's menopause is different in severity, symptoms and length. All I could do was cross my fingers and hope for a short-lived change of life.

The hot flashes were just one terrible aspect of this self-disintegrating phenomenon. I began to forget things, a lot of things. My brain actually felt as if it were slushy, like mud. After a while, I actually referred to my brain as slush, giving it the nick-name, MUD. I just couldn't think straight. There was no concentration available to me at that time. I couldn't sleep at night. The night sweats would be so bad, they would awaken me at least once an hour, sometimes more often than that. I was tired all the time. I began to have terrible headaches and finally understood and sympathized with people who suffered from migraines. Little jolts of electric shock would affect my hands, knees, back. My joints ached profusely at times and I did take Ibuprofen for that and I am still taking it today.

One of the worst parts about menopause was that I became a bitch. I was cranky all the time and irritable to no end. It seemed I was turning into one of those mean old nasty, hateful women that I never understood in my youth. I used to think maybe they just needed to get laid! Ha! That statement couldn't be farther from the truth! When you're in menopause, sex is the last thing on your mind! That's why they call it "menopause", because you pause on the men. Quite honestly, any sexual advances made me even crankier! I just didn't want to be touched, by anybody. Many times because I was dripping with sweat and didn't want to get it all over anyone else, but mostly just because I was cranky and tired and depressed and fat! Yes. Skinny Kim finally got fat! The weight gain was tremendous. Even with exercise and a good diet, the pounds kept piling on. I was in hell.
However, it was good to be in hell at times. The best part about menopause was the irregular periods. Outside of never knowing when it was going to happen, just a slight bit of inconvenience to me, I thoroughly enjoyed the cessation of all that mess and the pain that accompanied it!

Little by little the symptoms began to subside and here I am now, nine years later, thinking I am just about at the end of this journey to the depths of hell. I am beginning to see the light and I am very thankful for that. I remember asking this 80-year old woman once how long hers lasted. She replied, "Listen honey, I still get hot flashes." "Shoot me now!" I exclaimed. It's not completely over for me yet. Just when I vocalize that I haven't had a hot flash in quite some time, I'll get a few in a row. So, I've learned to keep my mouth shut about that. There are some things you just don't want to tempt the universe about and menopause is one of them.

I don't wear red and purple yet but I have learned to eat my dessert first. I have grown from a superficial young woman into a mature woman who cares more about the world now instead of where she is going to buy her next pair of new shoes. I am working on getting rid of the weight gain. I am sleeping a bit better and I don't feel tired all the time. My slushy mud brain only has temporary lapses now and they are not as often. These days, I feel joyful again when I wake up in the mornings and I am not wearing my cranky pants nearly as often as I was. Slowly, I am beginning to go back out into the world but I really need to brush up on my social skills. I was single when I started into menopause and I'm not looking for love, but if it finds me, I am at least receptive to the idea these days.

The only solace I can give you newcomers to menopause is, there is light at the end of this ugly, dark, time tunnel, you just have to hang in there to see it, with or without medication. At times you think you'll never make it through. When that happens, eat your dessert first, it'll make you feel like you are at least, in charge of something! Black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream or the Tiramisu? You decide.